The B word

Boundaries. Maybe not what you were expecting it to be. A word that is thrown around these days as something that we should have, should communicate and other people need to respect. The fence in the picture is a pretty permanent and clear physical one between two gardens. The ones I am talking about are much less obvious, accepted and unmovable.

When someone is hurting you emotionally or psychologically, it's because they can. We give them access because we are physically and mentally open. If a random man in Australia who doesn't have my phone number wants to hurt me, he can't. He has no access. However, people who we are in the same location as for whatever reason, do. More relevantly, the people we are emotionally close to have the most access of all. They can be our relatives.

So, although we can understand the idea of boundaries in theory very well, actually implementing this in any meaningful way is much more complex. Very basically, the 'boundary' is the last point that you are comfortable. When someone 'pushes your boundaries', they are starting to make you feel uncomfortable emotionally, psychologically or even physically. If someone 'crosses your boundaries',you will then feel very ill at ease or even hurt/violated. Unlike the fence in the picture,your 'boundary' might not be too obvious. 

For example, someone might feel very free in talking about money. They might even ask you how much you earn or how much you paid for something. If you feel uncomfortable and don't want to answer then your 'boundary' has been approached. However, the person asking is, at that point, unaware that they have done anything other than just asked you a simple question. The onus is then on you to make your 'boundary' clear. The skill then comes in how you do so a very bolshy person might just say "that's a bit rude. Don't ask me that!" But, of course, this is likely to cause a great deal of awkwardness. Finding a softer and more palatable way to deliver the same information is key. 

As is often the case with examples this is pretty simple and real life is not so black and white.